Ever wish that you could take back the last 15 minutes of you life?
Well, I called my Dad last night...
I was feeling guilty for not calling him the last two days, so the conversation began with contrite admissions of lingering (cough, cough) illnesses. For a little while, he surprised me with his motherly concern, telling me to take it easy, slow down, I did too much and needed to relax. He was saying everything that my Mom would have said, and it was comforting to hear. And yet, it wasn't. I didn't question my Dad's sincerity. But given our track record of bad conversations, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you know what I mean. Oh, my Dad. He didn't disappoint. The conversation took a turn for the worse and uh-oh is right.
My Dad started to talk about dating women. (Cue the sound of the other shoe dropping.) He casually outlined for me the requirements of his ideal woman, and I slowly imagined myself walking toward the cliffs of insanity. According to my Dad, this woman must be: not young but not old; not fat; good with his family; able to take care of him (whatever the heck that means); and, of course, pretty. Trying not to sound judgmental, I told him that he needed to slow down, not rush into his next relationship. Of course, he did not hear me and kept on shocking me with his words.
He apparently went to some party last Saturday and put his 74 year old moves on a woman. My Dad described how everyone who observed their little flirtation was jealous; I firmly believe that they were actually appalled. I know that I would be if I were there to witness it. My Dad described this woman (who shall remain nameless to protect not the innocent but her face from my fist) as a thin, pretty nurse around 41 years old. I protested, telling him that she was much too young, that she was younger than my sisters. And why would he want to marry someone that could be his daughter?? He simply replied that he wasn't looking for someone to marry. And this was the moment when my head exploded.
I stood on the cliffs of insanity and yelled, "ICK!"
The conversation didn't last much longer after that. I couldn't hear anymore.
This is yet another reason why I won't "friend" my Dad on Facebook.
It's 5:30am in the morning today and I already need a drink.